Letting Go

No matter what I've said or written down or repeated I always second guess myself on their first day.

It happened again this morning.
As I drove away from their school after leaving all three at their Winnipeg school for the very first time something felt so unfinished.   And I felt heavy.

That heavy feeling found a comfortable spot and made itself at home.  It's still there.

The "unfinished" part of my thoughts goes something like this....

         Did I say everything I wanted to?  
         Did I assure them of their value?  
         Did I remind them that they're amazing kids?  
         Will they know how much we love them?
         Will they feel secure?
         Are they afraid?
         Are they lonely?
         Will they find someone who could become their safe place?
         Will their teachers have the time and energy to discover what interesting, creative, funny and           
         compassionate girls they are?
         Am I ready to have a daughter in grade seven?
         Will I screw up?  (I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this one)
          
All this, even with the little family conference last night in which they were reminded of their value and worth and our unconditional love no matter how crazy things may get.

One thing I'm beginning to learn is this - it's never enough.
What you say and communicate and assure them of will simply never be enough.
How could words or sentiment ever be enough when you're sending your very own into the world to navigate and explore on their own without you?

Words can't really compare to how you feel and wish you were walking alongside them so you could occasionally clear your throat really loudly and point at your kid and say to everyone around you  - "Listen up to THIS kid.  This one here.  She's got something important to say.  She knows the answer.  She's really good at this.  She cares about his.  She feels strongly about it.  She's exceptional and extraordinary and deserves her moment in the sun."

And so this heavy feeling just kind of sits here.   The heavy feeling comprised of this tension of so desperately believing and knowing they are ready to be on their own, but still feeling like maybe you're the one who is not quite ready.

So today I'll sit with this heavy feeling.  Feel it and sink into it just a little.

In a few hours I'll leave to pick them up and their voices will all be competing to tell me about their days.  With every story and name of a new friend the heaviness will dissipate and soon I'll be breathing easier....

....until it's time to let go again.